Reflections on Toxicity
TW: This article speaks about mental illness and alcoholism on a personal level.
Lately, I have been reflecting on my past. Mainly, the last decade and my evolution to the person I am today. Ever on my mind are all the mistakes I have made and trying not to make them again. Also, all the pain and hurt that I had experienced at that time and not fully healing from it, in the moment in which it was happening. I am grateful to my Mindfulness Practice showing me that life can feel and be different.
Roughly ten years ago, I thought I was on a solid path. My career was close to where I wanted it to be, I volunteered in my community and at animal rescues regularly. I was an outspoken vegan, an aspiring Buddhist, I was also fighting with alcohol abuse and just being kind of a shit person some of the time.
From my perspective, I thought I looked like an upstanding citizen, but when I think back on it now, I wonder how other people wouldn’t have seen the path that I was on. They had to. In my wounded space, I think about all those people who were supposed to be my friends and wonder why had they not said anything to me at the time.
An example, one of my very good friends got married and I was invited to the celebration. They happened to have an open bar for part of the evening, and I made sure to down as many free glasses of wine as possible. I’m sure she saw that. And I wondered, why did no one stop me, or say something?
Here’s the thing, that’s me putting the responsibility of reigning me in on other people; that belongs to myself. The shame I feel now for acting the way I did then…
My best friend at the time was a guy that I worked with. He was going through a divorce and I was separated from my marriage so we started hanging out after work and would go to the bar and drink the evenings away. This was multiple times per week and each tab was more than $100. He was miserable, going through a life change and I was desperate for someone to be around that would listen and commiserate with me. I just needed to be seen and heard. He was the first person I told when I was diagnosed as bipolar, the first thing he said? “Let’s get a drink.” When I look back on that friendship, it was toxic and neither of us had each other’s best interest in mind. He would invite me to drink when he knew I had a problem and I would text him while he was driving home every time.
Eventually, he started dating someone and we stopped hanging out. I haven’t spoken to him in many years and I hope that he is doing better.
I am in such a different place in my life now. I have the privilege to be able to look back and think about what I should have done differently. Doing so however, would make me a different person today. I have come such a long way and it was such a hard fight, I’m proud of who I have become today. It’s also important to note that from this place of privilege, I do not dwell on my past mistakes, but I do think of them from time to time as a check in with my moral compass in the present.
We are each responsible for our own actions, thoughts, feelings, and that’s a hard truth when you want to blame anyone but yourself.
Upon this reflection, the important thing that I am left with is this: I try every day to be the best version of myself I can. I am a better listener, more patient, more curious about all possibilities. I try to be a better friend, a better partner, a better person to all that I meet.
Mindfulness has helped me in so many ways. I am now able to calm myself, be more in the moment, pay attention to the little things and connect with myself and others on a level that I couldn’t beforehand. I am slower to react in a negative way in adverse situations, I am able to think before I speak (most of the time) and I can relax and enjoy myself more now.
Thank you for reading. Hope you have a Mindful week.
It goes without saying, do not text and drive and if you feel that you or someone you know has a drinking problem, please seek the appropriate help. This article is not intended to be taken as professional/medical advice, I am not a professional, I just write stuff on the internet sometimes from my perspective of my own opinions.
About Mindfully with Angela:
Mindfully with Angela is a gentle space for women who are tired of rushing, overthinking, and feeling like they have to do it all. Here, we explore mindfulness, intentional living, slow living, self-kindness, and the beauty of finding meaning in everyday moments.
Through simple practices, thoughtful reflections, and a little encouragement, Mindfully with Angela is here to remind you that you don't have to change your whole life to feel more present—you can begin with one small moment.
